The Hawaiians Are Here!

My excellent niece and nephew, Kelsi and Mason, are staying with us for a few days. They have spent their spring break visiting their Dad in Kamloops and experienced a bit of culture shock (which is surprising seeing how the logging redneck interior of British Columbia is so similar to the locals-only vibe of Waimanalo... insert sarcasm here).

So when they arrived I whipped them up a quick snack of Spam Musubi. For those of you not in the know, Spam Musubi is the snack that truly fuels the aloha spirit. And quite frankly, if you are going to eat Spam, (like if someone puts a gun to your head), you should definitely choose to enjoy your mystery meat in this fabulous pan-pacific-asian cross-cultural dish.
Ingredients

• 2-3 sheets nori
  
• 2 cups rice
• 2 cups water
• 1 can spam
  
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
  
• 1/4 cup oyster sauce
  
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 2 tbsp vegetable oil

Mason, the Spam / Aloha Ambassador

Cooking Directions

1. Cook the rice, using equal parts rice and water. I use a rice cooker, but you can also cook it on the stove if you don't have a rice cooker.
2. Mix the soy sauce, oyster sauce, and sugar in a bowl until the sugar is completely dissolved.
3. Cut the spam into 8 equal pieces, horizontally (like you are slicing the top off each time). Keep the can!
4. Place the spam slices in the sauce mix, marinate for as long as possible. I did about and hour.
   
5. Put the oil in a frying pan, heat over medium heat.
6. Fry the marinated spam until brown, about 2 minutes on each side.
7. Cut the nori into strips about 2.5 inches wide.
8. Wash the can that the spam was in very well and lightly oil the can
   
9. Fill the can with about an inch and a half of loosely packed rice, then squish it down very tightly. I even used my espresso tamper for extra packability. To get the rice out of the can, I slammed the can upside down on the cutting board until the rice came out. You might also try to line the can with plastic wrap before you pack the rice, so it’s easy to pull it out.
10. Place the rice on one end of the nori, so that they are perpendicular.
11. Place a slice of spam on the rice.
12. Wrap the nori around the spam/rice stack. Hold closed for a few seconds, it should stick. If it doesn’t stay closed, use a drop of water to close it.

Aloha, dude.

Fine Ham Abounds.

He is risen! Yes, happy Easter y'all. This weekend Joanna took the culinary reins and whipped up the most amazing easter ham I have ever tasted. Yes, Jesus died to fulfill the New Covenant so that we could eat bacon... and delicious ham. And just to help you celebrate your religious freedom, please allow me to enable your next pork-induced coma.

Ham with Orange and Ginger Glaze
1 bone in ham
1/2 cup ginger ale
1/4 cup orange juice
Glaze

3/4	cup Orange Marmalade
1	tablespoon finely chopped fresh ginger
2	teaspoons Dijon Mustard

Sauce

1	tablespoon cornstarch
2	tablespoons orange juice
2	teaspoons brown sugar

Directions

1.	Rub ham with salt and pepper and prepare and bake ham according to package directions, removing from oven 30 minutes before the end of baking time.
2.	Make Glaze: Mix marmalade, ginger and mustard in small bowl until well blended.
3.	Uncover; brush with the Orange and Ginger Glaze. Pour ginger ale and 1/4 cup orange juice into pan. Increase oven temperature to 425�F. Continue baking ham, uncovered, 30 minutes, basting with the pan juices every 10 minutes.Remove ham from oven; loosely cover with aluminum foil. Let stand about 15 minutes.
4.	Make Sauce: Meanwhile, beat cornstarch and 2 tablespoons orange juice in small bowl with wire whisk until well blended; set aside. Pour pan juices from ham into small saucepan; stir in sugar. Cook over medium-high heat 1 minute, or until mixture comes to a boil. Add cornstarch mixture; cook 1 to 2 minutes, or until slightly thickened, stirring constantly. Remove from heat; cover to keep warm.
5.	Carve ham. Drizzle with the Sauce just before serving.

Before I complain too much...

I thought I should also mention that my friend Rick gave me 2 awesome Simpsons books for my birthday as well as an Itunes gift card. The books have been just the thing as I have laid around the house not having any motivation to move.


So I guess all is not suckitude, and hey, it looks like the sun is going to shine today. Oh yeah, and Filter gave me a pound of dark roast Kona peaberry, which has definitely been my happy place the last few days, so I will stop whining now. Rick and Phil, you guys are good friends.

My Unfabulous Birthday Continued

So as almost a full week has passed since my birthday, things have continued to suck. My wife, myself, and our 2 little girls are now all sick and I am exhausted from everything that had to be done last week. I think that I am going to call a do-over on this whole birthday thing and plan some amazing celebration when we have all recovered from this crazy thing called life. Maybe in April sometime. On a more positive note, my friend Ryan gave me 2 (count them, 2, not 1, 2) boxes of Captain Crunch for my birthday. Boo ya!
Even though life might be kicking me in the ribs, I still have awesome friends.

Happy Frickin' Birthday to Me!

So friends, yesterday I just got back from Winnipeg where Joanna and I officiated the funeral for our friend Renee and, yes, it was probably the saddest, most depressing thing I have ever done. So needless to say, I really don't feel like a giant celebration today. But of course, the ever so fabulous Sandra has come over to give me my birthday present. Here it is....
Yup. That's a hand blender, a bag of Doritos, and a huge chunk of raw meat. Is she the greatest friend in the world or what?

Bootsy's Crispy Cornmeal Chipotle Waffles

I don't know about y'all, but I am feelin' tha funk! Now, before you chow down on the Ultimate Fried Chicken, you are going to need some WAFFLES for the full experience and all-encompassing good vibrations. This combination and recipe may seem a bit odd to all y'all boring folks who have no funk deep in your soul, but rest assured, this recipe has been thoroughly tested (by skeptics I might add) and these delicious WAFFLES are just what Dr. Bootsy prescribed to deal with your medical condition lack of funkiness.

No need to worry, you're in good hands with Dr. Bootsy

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup yellow cornmeal
2 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons instant yeast
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon coarse kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup (1 stick) chilled unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 cup grated white extra-sharp cheddar cheese
1 large egg
2 cups buttermilk
1 tablespoon finely minced canned chipotle chiles in adobo*

Directions:
Blend flour, cornmeal, yeast sugar, baking powder, salt, and baking soda in processor. Add 1/2 cup chilled butter; cut in using on/off turns until mixture resembles coarse meal. Or mix by hand using a pastry knife. Add cheese; cut in using on/off turns. Transfer flour mixture to large bowl. Whisk 1 egg in glass measuring cup. Add enough buttermilk to egg to measure 2 cups; stir in chipotles. Make well in center of dry ingredients. Pour buttermilk mixture into well; mix just until evenly moistened.

And there was great rejoicing.

Cover bowl with damp towel, and put in warm location and let batter rise for 3 hours.
When ready, pour a small potion of batter into your waffle iron according to manufacturer's recommendation. My waffle iron uses 1/4 cup/waffle. Cook just until crispy and golden brown. Mine took 3 minutes. Due to the extreme funkiness of the batter, your ready light and the thermometer on your waffle iron might be thrown off. Don't trust it. Be very careful not to overcook. Waffles are best if they are eaten immediately, straight off of the waffle iron while they are crispy.
Serve with...

Jalapeño Maple Syrup
1/4 cup jalapeño jelly
3/4 cup cheap imitation maple syrup

Combine ingredients in small sauce pan and heat. Pour into serving container and slather on absolutely anything that is desperately in need of more funk.

FRIED CHICKEN AND WAFFLES! GET DOWN! UUNNGGH!

Ok, I am worried because I consider it my duty to blog responsibly and look out for the health and welfare of my friends and faithful blog readers. You see, I don't think that your body (or your juicy booty) will be able to withstand the yumminess of the following recipe. I suggest that you use extreme caution and vigilant funkiness when attempting to master the FRIED CHICKEN AND WAFFLES groove. Consider yourself warned. Now go find your platform boots, put on some Parliament Funkadelic, and let's get started...

The Ultimate Fried Chicken
8-10 pieces of chicken
Injection and marinade
2 cups buttermilk
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon sugar
1 tablespoon Sri Racha hot sauce

Coating
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cup cornmeal
1 tablespoon garlic powder
1 tablespoon onion salt
1 tablespoon chili powder
1 tablespoon pepper
1 tablespoon poultry seasoning
1 teaspoon ground mustard

Wet Dredge
1 egg, beaten
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup of reserved buttermilk marinade

Final Dredge
1 cup Frosted Flakes or Capt. Crunch crumbs
remaining coating mix

oil for frying (peanut oil is great)

I have no idea who these ladies are, but they obviously are craving some ULTIMATE FRIED CHICKEN! UUNGGH!

Mix marinade ingredients together. Using a BBQ injector needle or the scariest horse syringe that you can find, pretend that you are are a stealth assassin and inject the marinade into chicken pieces. Place chicken in glass bowl, cover with remaining liquid and marinade in fridge for at least 4 hours. The longer the better. Pat chicken to dry and reserve leftover marinade.

Combine coating ingredients in large Ziplock bag. Shake to mix well. Place a few pieces of chicken in the bag at a time and seal shut. Turn up the funk. Shake your moneymaker (and the chicken as well) so that the chicken pieces are totally covered with coating. Repeat. Get down. Get back up again. Set chicken aside on a plate while you prepare the wet dredge and save the remaining coating ingredients.

Whisk wet dredge ingredients together in a large bowl. It might foam a bit. Don't panic and twist your ankle in your funky platform boots. Add the cereal crumbs to the coating bag for the final dredge. Now you are going to set up your fried chicken station! UUNNGGH!

Take a piece of coated chicken, dunk it quickly in the wet dredge, shake a few drops off, and then drop it in the coating bag. Seal and shake. Repeat. Stay funky. Once all the chicken is finished the 3 stages of coating, let them dry out a bit at room temperature for 20 min while your frying oil is heating.

Rick knows how to get down with the fried chicken.

Put about 3 inches of oil into a large deep pot; it should not come up more than half way. Heat until oil registers 350 to 365 degrees F on one of those clip-on deep-fry thermometers... CUZ ITS' HOT IN THE HOT TUB! Once the oil is at temperature, working in batches, carefully add the chicken pieces 3 or 4 at a time. Fry, turning the pieces once, until golden brown and cooked through, about 10 minutes. Total cooking time should be about 30 minutes. When the chicken is done, take a big skimmer or tongs and remove the chicken pieces from the pot, shaking off as much oil as you can, and lay it on a tea towel or brown paper bag to soak up the oil. Sprinkle a dusting of cracked black pepper. Repeat with the remaining chicken pieces.

Serve hot, with Bootsy's Crispy Cornmeal Chipotle WAFFLES and Jalapeño Maple Syrup. (Stay tuned for those recipes tomorrow...)

GOOD GOD!