Anti-Infaticide Iced Coffee

Yep, I haven't posted a recipe SINCE FRIGGIN' MARCH! Please feel free to leave a snarky comment about how lazy I am right after you pull your weight and come over to my house and scrub the floor, because I think that is the only thing that I didn't get done today.

Seriously, I am just stoked that I found 10 minutes of "leisure time" to blog somewhere inbetween my 4 jobs, the endless dirty dishes, the 6 loads of laundry that I did today, and the constant containment of the swath of domestic destruction that my 2 little girls manage to leave in their wake.

Soo... if you're a seriously sleep deprived, frazzled house-husband like me, nothing takes away the tension of a hot afternoon spent with overtired and hungry little girls like large amounts of caffeine and sugar. And here is the perfect delivery system...
Anti-Infaticide Iced Coffee
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon hazelnut syrup
1 tablespoon cocoa powder
2 tablespoons evaporated milk
3 tablespoons sweetened condensed milk
6 frozen coffee ice cubes
1 cup RIDICULOUSLY strong chilled coffee

(Obviously you are going to plan a bit in advance to make coffee cubes and have extra coffee to chill. Just make another pot when you get up in the morning. But if you are as nonfunctional as I am in the morning, you will probably just end up drinking that pot as well. If so, make another pot of coffee when you get out of the shower. Make some coffee ice cubes and chill the rest cuz if you drink this pot you will just be peeing all day.)

Combine all ingredients in blender. Breathe deeply while the children scream. Pour into tall glass and add a few shots of Bailey's if you really need it. Sip slowly and notice how suddenly everything isn't so bad after all.

The Hawaiians Are Here!

My excellent niece and nephew, Kelsi and Mason, are staying with us for a few days. They have spent their spring break visiting their Dad in Kamloops and experienced a bit of culture shock (which is surprising seeing how the logging redneck interior of British Columbia is so similar to the locals-only vibe of Waimanalo... insert sarcasm here).

So when they arrived I whipped them up a quick snack of Spam Musubi. For those of you not in the know, Spam Musubi is the snack that truly fuels the aloha spirit. And quite frankly, if you are going to eat Spam, (like if someone puts a gun to your head), you should definitely choose to enjoy your mystery meat in this fabulous pan-pacific-asian cross-cultural dish.
Ingredients

• 2-3 sheets nori
  
• 2 cups rice
• 2 cups water
• 1 can spam
  
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
  
• 1/4 cup oyster sauce
  
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 2 tbsp vegetable oil

Mason, the Spam / Aloha Ambassador

Cooking Directions

1. Cook the rice, using equal parts rice and water. I use a rice cooker, but you can also cook it on the stove if you don't have a rice cooker.
2. Mix the soy sauce, oyster sauce, and sugar in a bowl until the sugar is completely dissolved.
3. Cut the spam into 8 equal pieces, horizontally (like you are slicing the top off each time). Keep the can!
4. Place the spam slices in the sauce mix, marinate for as long as possible. I did about and hour.
   
5. Put the oil in a frying pan, heat over medium heat.
6. Fry the marinated spam until brown, about 2 minutes on each side.
7. Cut the nori into strips about 2.5 inches wide.
8. Wash the can that the spam was in very well and lightly oil the can
   
9. Fill the can with about an inch and a half of loosely packed rice, then squish it down very tightly. I even used my espresso tamper for extra packability. To get the rice out of the can, I slammed the can upside down on the cutting board until the rice came out. You might also try to line the can with plastic wrap before you pack the rice, so it’s easy to pull it out.
10. Place the rice on one end of the nori, so that they are perpendicular.
11. Place a slice of spam on the rice.
12. Wrap the nori around the spam/rice stack. Hold closed for a few seconds, it should stick. If it doesn’t stay closed, use a drop of water to close it.

Aloha, dude.

Fine Ham Abounds.

He is risen! Yes, happy Easter y'all. This weekend Joanna took the culinary reins and whipped up the most amazing easter ham I have ever tasted. Yes, Jesus died to fulfill the New Covenant so that we could eat bacon... and delicious ham. And just to help you celebrate your religious freedom, please allow me to enable your next pork-induced coma.

Ham with Orange and Ginger Glaze
1 bone in ham
1/2 cup ginger ale
1/4 cup orange juice
Glaze

3/4	cup Orange Marmalade
1	tablespoon finely chopped fresh ginger
2	teaspoons Dijon Mustard

Sauce

1	tablespoon cornstarch
2	tablespoons orange juice
2	teaspoons brown sugar

Directions

1.	Rub ham with salt and pepper and prepare and bake ham according to package directions, removing from oven 30 minutes before the end of baking time.
2.	Make Glaze: Mix marmalade, ginger and mustard in small bowl until well blended.
3.	Uncover; brush with the Orange and Ginger Glaze. Pour ginger ale and 1/4 cup orange juice into pan. Increase oven temperature to 425�F. Continue baking ham, uncovered, 30 minutes, basting with the pan juices every 10 minutes.Remove ham from oven; loosely cover with aluminum foil. Let stand about 15 minutes.
4.	Make Sauce: Meanwhile, beat cornstarch and 2 tablespoons orange juice in small bowl with wire whisk until well blended; set aside. Pour pan juices from ham into small saucepan; stir in sugar. Cook over medium-high heat 1 minute, or until mixture comes to a boil. Add cornstarch mixture; cook 1 to 2 minutes, or until slightly thickened, stirring constantly. Remove from heat; cover to keep warm.
5.	Carve ham. Drizzle with the Sauce just before serving.

Before I complain too much...

I thought I should also mention that my friend Rick gave me 2 awesome Simpsons books for my birthday as well as an Itunes gift card. The books have been just the thing as I have laid around the house not having any motivation to move.


So I guess all is not suckitude, and hey, it looks like the sun is going to shine today. Oh yeah, and Filter gave me a pound of dark roast Kona peaberry, which has definitely been my happy place the last few days, so I will stop whining now. Rick and Phil, you guys are good friends.

My Unfabulous Birthday Continued

So as almost a full week has passed since my birthday, things have continued to suck. My wife, myself, and our 2 little girls are now all sick and I am exhausted from everything that had to be done last week. I think that I am going to call a do-over on this whole birthday thing and plan some amazing celebration when we have all recovered from this crazy thing called life. Maybe in April sometime. On a more positive note, my friend Ryan gave me 2 (count them, 2, not 1, 2) boxes of Captain Crunch for my birthday. Boo ya!
Even though life might be kicking me in the ribs, I still have awesome friends.

Happy Frickin' Birthday to Me!

So friends, yesterday I just got back from Winnipeg where Joanna and I officiated the funeral for our friend Renee and, yes, it was probably the saddest, most depressing thing I have ever done. So needless to say, I really don't feel like a giant celebration today. But of course, the ever so fabulous Sandra has come over to give me my birthday present. Here it is....
Yup. That's a hand blender, a bag of Doritos, and a huge chunk of raw meat. Is she the greatest friend in the world or what?

Bootsy's Crispy Cornmeal Chipotle Waffles

I don't know about y'all, but I am feelin' tha funk! Now, before you chow down on the Ultimate Fried Chicken, you are going to need some WAFFLES for the full experience and all-encompassing good vibrations. This combination and recipe may seem a bit odd to all y'all boring folks who have no funk deep in your soul, but rest assured, this recipe has been thoroughly tested (by skeptics I might add) and these delicious WAFFLES are just what Dr. Bootsy prescribed to deal with your medical condition lack of funkiness.

No need to worry, you're in good hands with Dr. Bootsy

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup yellow cornmeal
2 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons instant yeast
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon coarse kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup (1 stick) chilled unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 cup grated white extra-sharp cheddar cheese
1 large egg
2 cups buttermilk
1 tablespoon finely minced canned chipotle chiles in adobo*

Directions:
Blend flour, cornmeal, yeast sugar, baking powder, salt, and baking soda in processor. Add 1/2 cup chilled butter; cut in using on/off turns until mixture resembles coarse meal. Or mix by hand using a pastry knife. Add cheese; cut in using on/off turns. Transfer flour mixture to large bowl. Whisk 1 egg in glass measuring cup. Add enough buttermilk to egg to measure 2 cups; stir in chipotles. Make well in center of dry ingredients. Pour buttermilk mixture into well; mix just until evenly moistened.

And there was great rejoicing.

Cover bowl with damp towel, and put in warm location and let batter rise for 3 hours.
When ready, pour a small potion of batter into your waffle iron according to manufacturer's recommendation. My waffle iron uses 1/4 cup/waffle. Cook just until crispy and golden brown. Mine took 3 minutes. Due to the extreme funkiness of the batter, your ready light and the thermometer on your waffle iron might be thrown off. Don't trust it. Be very careful not to overcook. Waffles are best if they are eaten immediately, straight off of the waffle iron while they are crispy.
Serve with...

Jalapeño Maple Syrup
1/4 cup jalapeño jelly
3/4 cup cheap imitation maple syrup

Combine ingredients in small sauce pan and heat. Pour into serving container and slather on absolutely anything that is desperately in need of more funk.