Ancient Chinese Secret

Conflicting emotions are crashing over my soul like hurricane breakers smashing beach homes on the nightly news. I want to share the secret to life-long happiness with you, but it feels wrong. It feels like you should gain this secret knowlege on your own, only after years of painful searching. I also worry that the all-encompassing, souless, evil, unstoppable Internet, the godless betrayer of all secrets is not the forum to reveal such sacred knowlege. I worry that you might not have the character and inner fortitude to protect these secrets. But, I like you. I want you to be happy. I want you to win the admiration of your friends and family. I want you to make yummy food late at night and stay up reading a good book. I want your children to tug on your pants' leg, look up at you with gentle doe-like eyes, and with childhood awe and wonder ask if you will make them...

Super Ramen.

I know, I can't believe I am telling you this either. I mean, like, it's only our second date or something like that, huh? Please don't tell anyone else, let's keep it our special secret. Will you still respect me tomorrow morning?

I even hesitate to even put this miraculous dish through the recipe process. I feel like I am betraying the ancient deadly secrets of the Shaolin Monks. I might be killed for my betrayal.

Super Ramen is like jazz. (Shout out to you, Mark) Improvisation is name of the game but you must know the rules before you can break them. So here we go.

Super Ramen Recipe
1 pack pork Mama instant ramen (you may substitue Nong Shim if you absolutely have to but if you even think of using Ichiban, Mamee, Mr. Noodle, or some other crap like that then get out. I mean it. Get out! Right now. Stop reading and close your browser! You are not worthy of the Super Ramen secrets!)
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
2 teaspoons ABC sauce
1 teaspoon fish sauce
1 teaspoon sesame oil
juice of 1/2 lime
1 tablespoon miso paste
1 tablespoon peanut butter
1 tablespoon brown sugar
splash coconut milk
1 egg
hand of bean sprouts
some sort of Chinese greens (I like baby bok choy or Chinese brocolli)
crushed peanuts

Grab your big ass ramen bowl. What's that? You don't own a ramen bowl? Well, this is a perfect time to smash open your piggy bank, take a field trip down to Chinatown, and blow the whole $3.99 on a monsterous porcelin soup bowl with pictures of fish or bamboo or something like that on it. Fill the bowl with water. Dump it in your soup pot. Dump in all the ramen flavour packs. (You can tell the quality of your ramen by how many different flavour packs it has. Mama has 3, if you are using ramen that only has one flavour pack then get out! Get out now!) Add the next eight ingredients and bring to a boil. Crack in the egg and whisk it to break it up. Add the noodles. Pour into your spankin' brand new ramen bowl. Slice greens and add on top with beansprouts and crushed peanuts. Garnish with a drizzle of ABC. Eat, slurp, and break on through to the other side.

Now go back to Chinatown, buy a bunch of sauce bottles that you have no idea what they are, clear your mind, and forget everything that I just told you and make it again. Then make it again, but better. Make it your own. You are the sensei, you have the power... Super Ramen power.